


I’m Tired but I Can’t Sleep ‘Cause They’re Waiting for Me

by soulofaphoenix



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jon is going to die at his desk i swear, M/M, Trans Martin Blackwood, and Martin Is There, and he pushes everyone away because he doesnt want to get hurt, but he just needs someone, it’s just yearning, jon feels like a monster because you know he does, jon is so tired he gets so many emotions, this doesn’t take place at any sort of point in time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24048379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulofaphoenix/pseuds/soulofaphoenix
Summary: Jon is going to work himself to death if Martin doesn’t do something about it. no beta we die like tim
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 9
Kudos: 155





	1. Jon

It was rough. Jonathan Sims knew it was rough, and it was going to be so, but that didn’t stop the exhaustion from seeping into his bones or the frustrating fuzziness of his brain that made thinking so much more hard than it needed to be. 

He couldn’t do this. His brain was dull, he was overworked, tired, on a mere hour or so of sleep from accidental naps in the past forty-eight hours, and he missed feeling.

He missed Martin.

He had told him he wouldn’t make it to his own flat yesterday and the day before that, and the anxious worry that Martin had responded with was met with Jon’s own resolute stubbornness, to which Martin had dropped off a blanket, tried to sleep in the archives with him, but ultimately failed and had to return home.

He was taxing Martin. His raw need to know was grating at his lover, and he knew it. He was hurting Martin, and Martin was going to leave him, and he didn’t deserve whatever Jon was putting him through, and it was going to go wrong because of stubborn, annoying Jon. 

He didn’t know that his head had been drooping down until it smacked against his desk, and he blinked away hot tears in his eyes.

When had he gotten so tired, so frustrated? Why was he so emotional? 

Looking at the clock, Jon muttered a curse and stood a bit too fast, the world spinning and careening until he was leaning against the wall next to his desk heavily. God, it was near midnight! He was supposed to respond to whatever Martin had sent ages ago. Martin must be going mad!

With shaking, exhausted hands, Jon picked up his phone, trying to look at texts he knew were there but his eyes couldn’t focus on. He instead pressed the call button, realizing much too late that Martin could have been sleeping.

But no, his partner picked up almost immediately, his voice strained and worried. 

“Jon? Are you alright?” 

“Yes. Yes, Martin, I’m fine.” His voice sounded so much more exhausted, more strained, more emotions rising in his throat as he said the words. He suddenly couldn’t remember why he called Martin in the first place, and his head leaned forward onto the wall where it landed with a dull thud. Jon sighed heavily into the phone.

“Are you sure? Do you need me to pick you up? God, it’s almost midnight!”

“I-I know. I don’t know. I’m sorry.” His voice broke at the end, and he could hear his own emotions rise to suffocate him, and suddenly he was emotional, and he was frustrated, and everything hurt. Martin must have noticed, because Jon heard a bit of a gasp followed by Martin’s soft voice on the other side, and he could practically see the worried expression on his face.

“Just stay there, alright? I’ll pick you up, and we can go home.” He murmured, and Jon nodded before realizing Martin couldn’t see him.

“Yes. Yes, alright.”

Jon didn’t press the end call button before dropping to the floor, sitting down and blinking at the desk that he had been using for the past while. He was tired, he thought, leaning to lay on the floor in an undignified sort of way. His hair was a mess of tangles as it flared out from where his head lay, and he felt exhausted emotion rise to his eyes, in which he sniffled before breathing out heavily and trying to crush whatever emotion had wormed its way into his life because he didn’t want them, he didn’t need them, just like how Martin didn’t need him. He may need Martin, but would Martin ever need him? Jon could just go away, and it would be fine. He was a monster anyway.

Jon’s rancid thoughts seemed to infect his brain and his face scrunched up in an emotion he could not place. He felt the tears in his eyes, and so he closed them.

It seemed like only a second later before Martin was in the room, gently tapping on his cheek and speaking in a worried tone. The words seemed too far away for Jon to hear, and for a moment, he just stared at his partner while trying to comprehend whatever he was saying. Martin seemed to grow increasingly worried.

“Jon? Jon, are you alright?” Martin’s words slowly waded through his foggy brain and Jon blinked, nodding. Martin frowned. 

“How long has it been since you slept? And I mean a full night. No, nevermind, Jon, come here.” Martin stepped forward and wrapped Jon in his arms before hauling him up bridal style, holding Jon tightly to his chest. The worry was plain enough for even Jon to see, and he felt guilt rise in his chest as he curled into the warmth of Martin’s body. He didn’t even realize he was speaking until the words were out of his mouth. 

“‘m sorry, Martin. You don’t deserve this. ‘m sorry. I’m such a mess, god, you go through all of this for a monster like me, goddamnit. I’m sorry.” Jon just kept talking, kept apologizing, so tired and so frustrated and emotional that the tears in his eyes slowly fell down his cheeks, and he buried his face into Martin’s shirt as his breath hiccuped. “Everything... everything hurts.” he whispered, and the stuttering breath of Martin drew his eyes to his partner’s face.

Martin was looking forward resolutely, tears in his eyes threatening to fall. He was walking, carrying Jon out of the archives into his car, and he was being so... gentle. It was as if Martin genuinely cared about Jon, but in his own tired state of mind Jon just couldn’t bring himself to believe it. 

“Jon.” Martin spoke low, his voice wobbly. “You are not a monster. I’m here, and there’s nothing... nothing to be sorry about. I’m here. You’re lovely.”

After a murmur from Jon and a slight blush rising to the Archivist’s cheeks, he settled against Martin. A second later, his lover set him down in the passenger seat of the car, and Jon whined at the loss of body heat. Martin breathed out a weak laugh.

“Please, love, just close your eyes. We will be home soon.”


	2. Like the dawn you broke the dark and my whole earth shook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jon needs this

Jon blinked slowly, waking up from a slumber he hadn’t realized he was in. He was warm. His foggy mind only told himself to get closer, cuddle into the warmth, hold onto it, and his hands met the body if someone else.

Martin.

Oh god, Martin. 

He had forgotten what had happened before, but it all rushed back now. Did Jon dare indulge himself in the warmth and companionship Martin had laid out for him? Did he deserve it?

No. No, he didn’t. He didn’t deserve any of this. All he had been was cruel, but all Martin had done was support him. Jon would go to the ends of the world and back for Martin, but he couldn’t. 

He couldn’t, because he would eventually wake up and realize Martin had never truly cared for him, had created a false image that he played into and the true Jon was something too close to a monster for Martin to be comfortable with, and Jon would be left. He would be left behind, and it would hurt, and he didn’t want that.

So Jon rolled over onto the cold side of the mattress and curled up into himself, feeling too much emotion at once, because he almost let himself believe he deserved it when he knew he didn’t.

And at that moment, Martin stirred awake, and Jon felt his own flinch because he felt too vulnerable for any of this.

He brushed his hair back from his face and turned to Martin once quickly before getting out of bed and walking towards the bedroom door.

“Where.... where are you going, Jon?” Martin murmured, voice low and groggy and so lovely that all Jon wanted to do was to crawl back into bed and burrow into the warmth that was Martin and feel loved for the false moment.

But he couldn’t.

Yet, he didn’t have an answer for his lover. “I—I don’t know.” His voice was much too choked up, too emotional. He cracked and Martin was seeing it, and the fear set in.

Suddenly, Martin was out of bed, and he cupped the back of Jon’s head as he turned him around and enveloped him into a hug. The contact was too much and never enough, and Jon felt himself stiffen before melting and pressing his whole body into his partner, grasping a handful of his pajama shirt as he felt the tears he so desperately held back escape. His shoulders shook, and Martin held him there, so warm despite the pose being slightly awkward and stiff and Jon could feel the gentle ache in his knees where it always was. 

A hand ran through his tangled hair as Martin hummed lowly, and Jon felt his breath catch in his throat because he felt loved. He felt loved, and he didn’t deserve it, and it hurt, but it felt so good. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Martin, I’m so sorry.” he murmured, a repeating mantra as his Martin hummed and shushed and rubbed his back and ran his hands through his hair and held him close.

“You’re okay, Jon. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“I don’t—I—“

“Just quiet your mind, love, for just a moment. Give me a moment to let me tell you that I’m not leaving, okay? And I’m not leaving you behind, and I... I love you Jon, more every day. Please. I see you. I see you, Jon.”

And Jon cracked and splintered like he had expected, and Martin held him together.

Hauling him up, Martin held him close, laying him on the bed and laying right next to him. He situated himself in a position where he could  
hold Jon and their legs would intertwine and his Jon could bury his face into his chest, which he did.

And Jon loved and was loved, and just for a moment, he let himself believe that he deserved it.


End file.
